Today's Tuesday Ten is quite a different one. It's a very personal post from a great friend of mine. Please take the time to read this, you never know who you could be helping out with the information provided in today's post!
This is going to be a bit of a long post, stick with me! My apologies for the length.
Hi. My name is
Misty. I’m a wife, mom to four kids and
a teacher. I’ve taught preschool through
twelfth grade. How is that
possible? Well, I currently teach
preschool in my own home. I was a
teacher’s aide in a Title 1 school in Logan District for grades K-5. I taught my own classroom of 3rd
and 6th graders. I was a
gifted and talented teacher in Cache School District and worked with kids in
grades 1-5 in both language arts and math.
I was an ESL teacher’s aide at South Cache for 8th and 9th
graders and, I worked at the detention center in Logan, where I worked with
kids in grades 4-12. As you can see,
I’ve worked with kids from all walks of life.
This, it turns out, has been extremely beneficial for me when it comes
to working with my own four children.
My oldest child (Samantha) is 12 now. She always seemed to be ahead of the kids
around here – some of that (I’m sure) is because she was my only child and I
doted on her. Some of that, however, was
due to the fact that she was, indeed, ahead of some of her peers in specific
areas of her school curriculum – specifically, reading/language arts. She’s two years older than her brother so we
had some experience as parents in the school system when her brother entered
school. Never in my life did I imagine
that these two would have such drastically different school experiences. And this, is why I’m writing this blog post.
My second child (Nash) is 10 now. It took us until third grade to figure out
how to help him be successful, happy and reach his full potential. Not only at school, but at home as well. Nash, has ALWAYS been a busy child. His dad chalked it up to him just “being a
boy.” Despite everything my education
had taught me, I went with it.
Nash was three when his little brother was born. I figured that the two of them would be best
friends and was excited that I had two boys close in age. Nash, on the other hand, was less than
thrilled about his brother. I figured
that with time those feelings would change.
One day, when my third child (Caleb) was about 15 months old he was
standing on the stairs at my mom’s house.
Nash was downstairs so I figured he was fine while I was chatting with
my mom about something. Soon I heard a
blood curdling scream. I ran down to
where my boys were. Caleb was sobbing
hysterically. Nash was standing there
looking at me like, “What?” Come to find
out that while Caleb had been standing on the stairs (nowhere near Nash) Nash
somehow got the idea that Caleb was going to bite him. So, being the proactive child that he is, he
bit Caleb first – through his pants and his diaper and left teeth marks on
Caleb’s bum. Now, understand, Nash was busy
yes, but mean? Absolutely not. He’s always been a people pleaser and very
much dislikes arguments. I was
completely baffled as to where this behavior had come from. It was at this point that Nash’s behavior
began to change.
After a while it got to the point that I didn’t dare leave
Nash unsupervised with Caleb. The very
sight of Caleb angered Nash to the point that I was worried Nash would do
something to hurt his brother. When Nash
would get angry it was almost like a complete black out on his part because he
couldn’t remember much of anything once he wasn’t angry any more. I was terrified that one day Nash was going
to snap and shove his brother down the stairs and seriously injure him. Nash continued to have other behavior changes
as well. He would get upset and cry at
the drop of a pin. He would have his
blinding anger spells and then act as though nothing had happened. I was worried about how this was going to
affect him when he started Kindergarten.
It was about this time that I spoke with my pediatrician
about my concerns. He recommended a good
behavioral psychologist in his same office.
I was relieved to finally have someone who might be able to help me manage
my child and his frustrations. We
started seeing the behavioral psychologist before Nash entered
Kindergarten. We started out discussing
his behavior and how it correlated to consequences and being consistent,
etc. I wasn’t too encouraged after we
left the office the first time. I felt
like all the things he asked if I was doing was exactly what I had learned in
college and I had been applying all those principles because it was all I had
in my reserves. The behavioral
psychologist put Nash on a behavior chart of sorts. It entailed tally marks for bad choices and
no tally marks for good choices. If he
had less than x amount of tally marks when we went back for our next
appointment Nash got to choose from the prize box. Now, don’t get me wrong, I gave this a fair
shot – I was desperate. But deep down I
felt that this was a temporary fix. I
also didn’t like the fact that I felt as though I was teaching my child that by
doing those things that he was expected to do he would get a reward. I felt as though I was telling my son that
you can have whatever you want as long as you aren’t naughty and I didn’t like
that. But, like I said, I was desperate
so I gave it a fair shot.
When we went back to visit the behavioral psychologist he
talked with Nash about his chart and how he did and if he felt that he could do
even better. They set a new goal with a
smaller number of tally’s allowed and we left again. This continued for several weeks. For a while Nash seemed to genuinely do
better. When I would mentioned that he
could choose x or y but choosing y would result in a tally he would choose
x. I still felt that I was teaching my
child that he only had to do things if he wanted a reward. After about two months Nash got to the point
that he would consider choice x and y and then consider what he had seen in the
prize box. On more than one occasion he
would tell me, “Well, I didn’t want what was in the prize box anyway.” and we
were back at square one. It was after
this that I felt the behavioral psychologist wasn’t helping us and we quit
going.
After we quit seeing the behavioral psychologist things
didn’t necessarily flare right up and get worse. It was a gradual decline for Nash. During school (in Kindergarten) he wasn’t a
problem. His teacher never said to me
that she had behavior issues with him. I
started thinking that maybe it was just me because he was behaving at school
and had some little friends. I convinced
myself that my husband was right and it was Nash just “being a boy” and that I
needed to relax a little.
When Nash entered first grade things got a lot more
rowdy. He sincerely struggled in
school. He still had friends, but his
teacher had to be on him all the time because he just wouldn’t focus or hold
still or listen. His first grade teacher
was amazing and listened to all my concerns.
I told her about what I was seeing at home and she told me she wasn’t
seeing all of those same things at school, but a few of them she was. We looked into Dyslexia as being a
possibility for him because at the end of first grade he was still writing
letters and numbers backward that he shouldn’t have been. Eventually we decided that he didn’t fit all
the symptoms of Dyslexia and started considering other options.
When Nash started second grade he had a first year
teacher. I was nervous about this for a
variety of reasons, but my primary reason was “Would she be able to handle him
as well as last year’s teacher did?” I
started getting reports that his teacher had taken his scissors away only to
find out it was because he would cut paper into teeny tiny pieces during class
when he was supposed to be doing something else. I started noticing that he didn’t talk about
his friends as often as he had in first grade and he seemed a little down. He tapped his fingers and toes almost
constantly. To get him to read was a
nightmare. It would take us an hour just
to get through one of the Reading for All Learners books – you know the ones I
mean. It got to the point that to do
homework it was a three hour process. He
would do one or two math problems and need a five minute break. To practice his spelling words he would run
laps around the kitchen island. Doing
homework with him made me want to pull my hair out to say the least. I had NEVER had these issues with Samantha so
I couldn’t, for the life of me, figure out what I was doing wrong with
Nash. By the end of second grade Nash
would get in my car at the end of the day and within five minutes he was in
tears. It was like he had been holding
back the floodwaters all day long and when he finally got in the car if I said
something he interpreted to be scolding him he would just lose it
completely. He was still having anger
issues at home with his brother – and only his brother; never with either one
of his sisters.
My husband and I continually talked about Nash and how to
help him succeed. He was still writing
letters backwards at the end of second grade.
If I pointed them out he could fix it but he never noticed it on his
own. He was hardly reading (far from the
20 minutes a day required for homework).
Homework was still taking 3 hours every night and he started to seem
depressed. I had hoped that the
beginning of third grade would be different for him.
I spoke with Nash’s third grade teacher to let her know of
all the troubles we had had since he started school. I told her the options we had considered and
tossed out. I told her all the things we
had tried. And, I told her that my
husband didn’t want me to have him tested for ADD/ADHD because he was afraid
Nash would think that we thought there was something wrong with him. Unbeknownst to my husband, Nash and I were
already having long, long talks. We
talked about what frustrated him and why – he could never explain why certain
things frustrated him, they just did. We
talked about the choices he was making at school and what consequences each
choice had. We talked about alternative
choices with better consequences. Oh
that boy of mine and I talked and talked and talked on a regular basis. I told Nash I thought he might have ADHD one
day and explained that ADHD was just where sometimes, someone’s brain worked
differently than that of others. I
related it to the math and reading groups they do in school. We talked about how everyone at school isn’t
good at the same stuff and how everyone is different. I told him that IF he had ADHD it didn’t mean
he wasn’t good at things, it just meant that his brain didn’t produce enough of
a particular chemical to help him follow directions like he wants to. We talked about this option a lot. Nash got comfortable asking me questions and
waiting to hear an answer he could understand.
One day, he finally told me he wanted me to have him tested for this
ADHD because if there was something the dr. could do to help him so he could do
better, he would sure like that. I won’t
lie, it broke my heart. But, watching my
son struggle as hard as he had for as long as he had had also broke my
heart. It was after one of these such
conversations with Nash that I went to my husband and essentially told him,
“Whether you like it or not, I’m having him tested for ADHD. We won’t be out anything and neither will
Nash. There’s nothing else left for me
to try. I don’t know how to help him
anymore.” My husband hadn’t seen the
tears my poor boy cried after school every single day (he works in the oil
field and is gone quite often).
At the beginning of October the year Nash was in third
grade, I spoke to my pediatrician about having Nash tested for ADHD. He explained the process. He would give me two packets of paper. One for me to fill out and one for his
teacher to fill out. Once we had both
filled out the papers I was to bring both sets back and the nurse would score
them. Once the papers had been scored
I’d get a phone call to set up a meeting with the pediatrician.
When it was time to go meet with the pediatrician my husband
insisted on coming along to the appointment.
He was new to this world of ADHD, at least I had worked with students
who had it and knew how to deal with it from a teacher’s point. The pediatrician explained that there is no
blood test for ADD/ADHD. It is little
more than a guessing game. Based on what
the teacher and I had reported on the forms, it looked as though Nash had ADHD. There was only one true way to find out if he
had it or not. He would give us an ADHD
prescription and on a Saturday we would need to give him one dose. If he was bouncing off the walls after taking
the meds he didn’t have ADHD. If he was
calm and focused after taking the meds he had ADHD. When Saturday came I gave Nash his medicine
with breakfast. About 30 minutes later
my husband came through the kitchen to find Nash, seated at the kitchen
counter, not tapping and completely content with his Legos. My husband looked at Nash and then back at
me. He was floored at the
difference. Nash wasn’t a zombie and he
wasn’t acting funny. He was peaceful and
happy and content. Something we had not
seen in this child for a very long time.
After seeing Nash like this my husband became a believer. Nash has ADHD.
Once Nash started taking his meds regularly he went from
failing every spelling test because he would write at least one letter in each
word backwards to getting 80% or better on his spelling tests. He went from hating reading and barely able
to read grade level text to reading 2-3 grades above grade level. He went from having no friends at school to
having a small group of friends at school.
He excelled in math and went to the top of his math class. And best of all, he was happy. There were no more tears five minutes after
he got in my car after school was over.
There was no more tapping. There
was no more getting angry at Caleb just because Caleb was in his direct line of
sight.
Is everything perfect?
No. The medication he takes is an
appetite suppressant and he lost several pounds. The dr. told him if he didn’t’ gain at least
one pound by this past Christmas that he would take him off his meds so he
could gain his weight back. Nash
immediately agreed to eat something, anything during recess each day. He knows what a difference those meds have
made for him and he does not want to have them taken away. That being said, he is now old enough, has
tried enough different techniques and has been on his meds long enough that if
he hasn’t taken his meds and I say, “Nash…chill” he can get it under control
fairly quickly. He doesn’t need his meds
every day if he isn’t in an academic setting or in a setting with a ton of
people and a lot going on.
Now, remember Caleb?
My third child? His temperament
has always been more like that of Samantha than it has been like Nash. He’s quiet, a thinker and a people watcher, a
little bit slower to act, a perfectionist in the most extreme of ways. I figured his school experience would be more
like Samantha and for him, Kindergarten was more like Samantha’s
experience. I did start to notice toward
the end of Kindergarten that if he did something that wasn’t 100% perfect the
first time, he would hit himself in the head and say, “Stupid, stupid, stupid.” This worried me.
For the most part, Kindergarten was smooth sailing for
Caleb. First grade however was a whole
other story. It was only 3 weeks into
first grade when I started getting reports from his teacher (Nash’s same first
grade teacher). He wasn’t turning things
in at all or was turning them in half done.
He was painfully slow to finish anything, he was in his own little world
and couldn’t even walk down the hall and pay attention at the same time. He had started getting angry at home with his
little sister. Not just any sort of
angry – Nash angry at Caleb sort of angry.
I talked with my husband and told him I was starting to see Caleb doing
things that were exactly like Nash. I
did not want Caleb to have to suffer through first, second and part of third
grade until we figured it out and got him some help. I spoke with Caleb’s teacher and we were able
to get him in to work with the school counselor once a week for his anger
issues he was having at home. I also went
back and spoke with my pediatrician again.
I picked up the paperwork to have Caleb tested for ADD/ADHD. When I went to meet with the pediatrician
about Caleb he informed me that on a scale of 1-8 – 1 being you for sure do not
have ADD/ADHD and 8 being you totally have ADD/ADHD, Caleb’s teacher and I had
scored him at a 7. I was floored. Nash must have scored through the roof if
Caleb scored a 7 because Caleb was so much milder than Nash. We got Caleb on medication as well and things
improved for him as much as they did for Nash.
He started turning his things in – he’s still painfully slow to do
anything but I know that it’s the perfectionist in him. Unlike Nash, Caleb is ADD which means he
isn’t hyperactive.
I won’t lie to you.
Things are still difficult with Caleb.
We just switched the kind of medication and dose that he’s on. He struggles more with me than he does at
school. It’s like he’s in his own little
zone and just can’t shake it. We are
working at it though and I know that with time, he’ll reach the same level as
Nash where he’s able to control it on his own.
You might be asking yourself, “Why did she take five pages
to tell me her sons have ADD/ADHD? Why
not just come out and say that?” I could
have just come out and said that, but I want you to understand that there’s so
much more to it than a label and a prescription.
I want you to understand that NO teacher can legally come
out and say to you, “I think your child has ADD/ADHD.” It makes the district liable to pay for any
testing – which is ridiculous in my opinion because our testing didn’t cost me
a penny.
I want you to understand that I didn’t go into this and
automatically medicate my boys. We tried
a behavior psychologist, we are trying counseling, we tried behavior charts, we
tried choices, and we tried consistency and discipline. We’ve tried it all or nearly all. But, what works for us the most is being
patient and understanding. Being kind
when we are frustrated beyond all our wits.
Stepping outside of what we can see and putting ourselves into our
child’s shoes.
It wasn’t just my boys “being boys”. It wasn’t my boys being naughty just to be
naughty. I still have to remind myself
that they can’t 100% control it yet. It
isn’t an excuse – and my boys know I will not allow them to use their ADD/ADHD
as an excuse. They still have
expectations and consequences and choices.
But sometimes, I have to make a choice first. I have to make the choice to be patient and
not lose my cool because of their behavior. I also have to make the conscious decision not
to be short with them when my patience is thin.
I want you to understand that there are so many choices when
it comes to medication for a child with ADD/ADHD. They have medications that work for different
periods of time, they have medications that are amphetamines and medications
that aren’t. They have medications that
can cause an appetite to be suppressed and medications that can cause
insomnia. There are medications in
different mgs, colors, liquids and ones they can swallow. But there are choices, SO many choices!
If nothing else, I want you to understand that medication
does not mean medication for life. It
also does not mean that your child will automatically be a zombie. It means that you are giving your child yet
another tool to help him/her be successful in life and there’s nothing wrong
with that!
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